So ... I'm
releasing a book, I'm so excited! I have just a few more adjustments to make. My dear Sorority sister asked me if I had a
blog post about being a married couple with a special needs child and I replied
that I didn't but talked about it in my new book.
So, here's
an excerpt from my book (going on sale in October) about managing your marriage
when you are the parents of a special needs child. I hope it is a blessing to you and/or you
share it with a friend or two who needs some encouragement.
Excerpt from "The Birth of An
Advocate," by LaTanya S. Sothern
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tatistics show that
the divorce rate among parents of special needs children is 80%. That’s 30%
more than the general divorce rate of 50%. Why so high? Married couples who
care for and nurture these special babies face a unique set of circumstances
that many are ill-prepared to handle. My goal is to provide you with a few
things to remember for both husbands and wives.
When Greg and I had
Tré we had been married for four years. We had lots of opportunity to grow
together as husband and wife, to work out the kinks, and to ensure that our
marriage was really strong before we had children. Again our Pastors have
established a strong marriage ministry so we had built a foundation that was so
strong, when the storm hit it did not tear our house down. That’s not to say
that the house didn’t shake, reel, lose tiles and windows, etc. There was some
damage done, but it was superficial; nothing that couldn’t be repaired when
calmer weather came.
If that is not the
case for you and your spouse and your marriage is not as solid as you think it
should be, I would advise you to IMMEDIATELY seek counseling. Think of your
marriage as a chair, and that chair has to be strong enough to support the
weight of your child. If the chair is rickety, ill-constructed, or otherwise
unstable, your baby will fall and get hurt. Do not waste any time contemplating
whether or not you should take that step. Your child’s growth and development
will be directly related to the strength of your marriage.
For Husbands/Daddies:
Men are providers and protectors by nature. Their first instinct is to protect
their seed and provide for it. When challenges come to their children many men
feel helpless, and/or unable to do what God has ordained them to do from the
beginning. Men, do not allow this situation be a pronouncement of your ability
to do your job. Shift your thinking to the spiritual realm. What you may not be
able to do physically you can do spiritually. Take the opportunity to be that
praying Daddy who can protect his child with the words of his mouth. Doing so
is even more effective than anything you can do for the child physically. As
well, continue to protect the heart of your wife. Give her an ear and listen if
she wants to vent, knowing you might not be able to “fix it.” Put your arms
around her and console her, let her feel the strength of your touch. She seeks
safety and reassurance in your arms. (I recently read that extended hugs
release the hormone oxytocin, which is associated with bonding, decreased blood
pressure, and wound healing among other benefits). Pray for her in front of
her, let her hear you building her up and protecting her with God’s Word. Be
willing to jump in and accompany and/or take the baby to the various and sundry
specialists’ appointments. Jump in and help with any exercises or protocols the
therapists may prescribe for your child. Take the initiative and show her that
you are just as invested in seeing your child grow and develop as she is. Let
your words and deeds show her know that she is not alone, because she will be
tempted with the thoughts that she is.
For Wives/Mommies:
Pregnancy is designed to make women more sensitive to the needs of our children.
From the moment we find out we are expecting our entire existence revolves
around that child. What we eat, what we wear, where we go, the way that we
sleep – it is all affected by that life growing inside us. When the baby is
born, that symbiotic relationship continues even though the baby no longer
resides inside us. We are keenly aware of the baby’s needs and every cell
within us is programmed to respond to those needs until they become intuitive -
without thought or effort. THIS IS NOT THE CASE FOR MEN!! Do not expect them to
“just know.” They need a lot of support in knowing how to support you. It could
be easy for us to turn inward when our husbands are trying to help and can’t do
things the “right” way. The first thought you have is, “Never mind, I’ll do it
myself!” You’re robbing your child of the opportunity to bond with his/her
father – this will be crucial in later years, so it is good to start early.
Take the time to teach him how to change diapers, care for splints, dispense
medications, practice physical therapy, etc. Eventually he will get the hang of
things and will be able to relieve you of a few of the thousands of things that
are all running through your head at the same time.
The biggest challenge
I have seen of mothers with special needs children are they often feel isolated
and alone. Men are not big talkers, especially when compared to women. When
things settle down, take the time to find some support groups that will give
you a listening ear. For some, talking to family members and friends might be
difficult if you do not think they understand where you are coming from, but do
not dismiss their advice without seeing if there is some value in it. Many
times, the people who know us well and love us can be objective enough and
knowledgeable enough to give us valuable feedback.
As a couple,
remaining united about how you approach the situation is key. You must be in
unity, having one voice and on one accord. The importance of communication
cannot be understated. You may have to come up with some kind of game plan
while you are still in the midst of chaos. “This is what we are going to say,”
or “This is how we deal with people” are a part of the discussion. Most
importantly, find time to spend together alone, even if it’s sitting alone on
the couch watching a movie. You have to make an effort to maintain your
relationship; it will not succeed if you leave it to itself. Everything in
nature moves towards chaos; it is up to us to keep things in order and maintain
peace. That’s why God gave Adam the job to “dress and keep” the Garden of Eden.
Even though God created it to perfection, a husband/tender was needed to keep
it in order because He knew that as things grew they would get out of order.
Your marriage is the same way. You must actively maintain it.
This is not about
you; this is about the testimony that you will have together as a couple, and
as a family and about the lives that will be changed as a result of hearing
your story.
